A Little Satire for You...

Note: This is an attempt at a humorous/satirical article. My aim is to poke fun at my generation and how seriously we take ourselves. I realize that I am guilty of many of these charges, and I also realize that not every single young person acts in these ways. I have only observed these characteristics in a number of my peers and would like to call attention to them in what I hope ends up as a humorous yet convicting essay. Also, for clarity, I would like to note that these are the words of one person—sort of a dramatic monologue, leaving the reader to infer what is being said between the statements of the Millennial.  

A Completely Serious Article: Or, a Conversation with a Millennial.

Are Millennials cynical?

We’re not cynical. No, we’re not cynical at all. We’re not sarcastic, either. Does that answer your question? No? Well, let me spell it out: we are probably the most sarcastically fluent generation there has ever been, and we are extremely talented at being apathetic and cynical. Is that better?

Well, you kind of interrupted me while I was trying to update Facebook. I had this brilliant status in my head, and then you came up to me, and now it’s gone. Thanks, man.

No, it’s fine, I’ll just get back on later. Right after I check Tumblr, Instagram, Reddit, Twitter, and Pinterest. Maybe after that I’ll see what’s on Netflix…

Uh, sure, I’ve got a minute. What’s up?

Millennials—yeah, I guess that’s what they’re calling us. They say we could be one of the greatest generations yet. But I’m not sure about that. I mean, everyone is stupid, man. Except for me and my friends. Oh, you should meet them, they’re hilarious! And brilliant, too. There’s one guy who I swear is the next Einstein. I’m pretty sure he’ll invent something really awesome…someday. After he lays off the drugs. On second thought, maybe I’m the only one who really knows anything.  

I have a ton of great ideas, you know. Sometimes I lie awake and think about all the things that are wrong about the world and how I would fix them if I could. But I never write them down, and then in the morning they’re gone, but I know they were awesome ideas when I thought of them. And anyway, when I think about that stuff, most of the time I just get depressed because I’ll never be famous enough to get my ideas out there.

Oh, I know everyone’s a celebrity these days. I mean, I guess I could be famous, if only someone would discover me. You know, I am a really awesome person. There are so many unique things about me. Like, get this: I totally dig obscure coffee shops and plastic mustaches and old baggy t-shirts and bands that nobody’s ever heard of. Sometimes I even wear glasses—and I don’t even need them! My vision’s 20/20! They should probably make a movie about me. I’d go see it.

…what was that? Sorry, I was just checking Twitter. What were you saying?

No, I’m not much into reading, I guess. If it’s longer than a hundred and forty characters, I probably won’t pay attention. And forget reading books. I don’t even download electronic ones on my tablet anymore. I tried that once. What a waste of seven dollars.

Newspapers? They still make those? I thought everything was on the Internet these days. …Well, no, I don’t read them, obviously. The only people who read those actually need the glasses they wear. Trust me: one of these days, the printing press will be obsolete—in fact, I’d say it already is! Everything is on the Internet anyway. No one needs to pay to kill a tree just so they can have a book to hold when it’s way easier to just get it online. It’s the way of the future, people. The way of the future…

What? Yeah, I’m totally normal! I’m just like anybody else, you know. I like hanging out with my friends and going to movies and stuff. I post pictures on the Internet all the time. I’ve got all the social media accounts, like any self-respecting person has. And I’ve got an app for all of them on my smartphone, plus a ton of games. I probably spend more time on my smartphone than I do with living, breathing human beings.

Why should I be worried about that?